that one time.

In my search for unity and community, I have discovered something very disheartening: I have to be willing to be vulnerable. Vulnerability always leaves room for getting hurt. The trick is not allowing that hurt to root me in bitterness, but instead to grow a deeper and more passionate understanding of the true vulnerability of the human state, and the unimaginably awesome realization that Christ embodied this vulnerability and this hurt in order to pay for my sins and bring glory to the Father.

Today I have been really missing photography. I don't mean the random photo shoots, or really photo-shoots in general. I miss catching the tender moments between kelsey and Isaiah, or the quick and fleeting smile of Rose. I miss the unashamed smiles of the Africans when they saw themselves in a photo for the very first time. I don't think about photography all the time, so many would say I am not a real photographer. I do not have extensively nice equipment, so some would say I cannot possibly be serious. Let me share a secret of my heart though: I love photography for the joy that it brings.

Today

Today has been a bizarre reminder that everyday is extremely varied, routine is often a futile attempt at control, and relationships never fail to be the bane of my existence. I tried today, for the first time in a while, to invest in the life of someone I am not particularly fond of in an attempt to grow a covenantal community amidst like-minded students. I failed. I got frustrated at the immaturity and frivolity that this particular person was engaged in and simply walked away. I am learning that love requires action to be performed after the feelings are gone, but I am struggling getting a starting point, seeing as the feelings were never their in this particular relationship.

I get frustrated with myself because I fail so frequently, (perpetually would be a better description, I suppose) and I forget that Christ has already covered my failure. Christ is interceding on my behalf right now, and even more perpetually (bet you didn't think that was possible) than I fail. God has a plan devised for this relationship, as well as every other relationship and if I am constantly seeking Him in love, and reveling in the love that He provides, these relationships will unfold in a marvelous and probably unexpected way. Patience. Perseverance. Hope. Love.

Spiritual Gifts

I am learning that some spiritual gifts, when not used and viewed properly, are more akin to a plague than anything else.

Hyped up on BFF time and California Pizza Kitchen

Natalie

is your birthday tomorrow??

21:05Mara

haha yeah it is

21:06Natalie

so is my grandpas. Happy early birthday!

will you be at small group wednesday night?

21:06Mara

Thanks!!

And yeah I will most likely be there unless there is a freak accident or something

21:07Natalie

haha, well then you need a birthday cake! What's your favorite kind of cake? (or dessert--i don't think it always has to be cake)

21:08Mara

you are sweet! I am quite partial to anything that resembles sugar.

21:08Natalie

i know that feeling.

21:09Mara

Really though, I don't think anyone has ever made me a birthday cake except for my mom.

21:10Natalie

well i would love to if you'd like for me to!

21:10Mara

that would be unbelievably sweet!

21:11Mara

what is the dessert that you light on fire before you eat it? Cause I want that

21:12Natalie

haha...i have no idea

21:12Mara

No I'm only kidding. I like cake. The confetti kind

21:12Natalie

oooo funfetti is delicious

21:13Mara

YEAH!! It is the best kind of cake out there! whoever invented it is pure genius.

21:13Natalie

haha, next to the person that created the fire dessert, of course.

21:14Mara

Well yes, but I am pretty sure that one stemmed from an unfortunate kitchen accident.

I think they were just dull and set the cake too close to the stove

Natalie

haha, so after that happened, clearly the solution to the problem was to eat the cake that was on fire.

21:16Mara

Exactly. Silver lining.

And it tasted delicious and that idiot's mistake has now become one of the culinary world's greatest achievements'

Sometimes I amaze myself at how witty I can be. Now I just have to get the talking skills down and I will be grand.

hmm

Is it ok to cut connections with the past in order to save yourself pain and heartache?

In times of Crisis

I have been trying to articulate this all day, but there has been a major block between my brain and my fingers. A phone call from a very old friend has given me some insight into breaking this block down and praising God for His divine plan and will for my life.

I recently heard that a couple of my very good friends (including the one on the phone) will be making the journey to Haiti and spending the next few months there. I have had a nauseating pit in my stomach all day. I keep questioning why God has not opened a door for me to go, and battling against jealousy that so many people that I am so close to have had doors flung wide for them. I hate that I was finally getting to the point where I could see God's hand and plan and I was content and joyful in that, and now I have allowed it all to be ripped out from under me and I want things that do not appear to be in God's plan for right now. Old scars are being torn open and old growing pains are resurfacing. It has been so hard for me to make it through the day, and I do not foresee it being any easier tomorrow. There is so much unrest curdling in my heart and I don't know whether to push it down or let it overflow. I think that it's so easy to block out the pain and trauma that envelops the majority of the world and immerse myself in the light and momentary happiness that flows freely from every orifice of American culture. I don't want this though. I don't want to just compartmentalize all of this and focus on school, and work and friends. I feel as though that would be an injustice, and I don't want to partake in injustice. I don't think it is ok for life to just go on amidst a great tragedy, even though that is what seems to happen.

The thought that just keeps coming to mind: We are in the midst of a great spiritual war. We need to pray like we are.

Emotions.

How fickle.

How uncontrollable.

How absolutely annoying.

I realize that humanity was created with emotional responses to our surroundings for a reason. Having said this, however, I must express my absolute loathing for the constant popping up of the negative ones at the most inconvenient times. (on a totally unrelated note, I find it so interesting that the English language has a plural form of the word one, which is, by definition, singular) I don't mind feeling sad, or even being overcome with sadness, when the time is proper for me to be sad. I disdain feeling sad for any circumstance that does not actually warrant my sadness.

I feel like most other negative emotions erupt when I am carried away on fantasies that are fueled by pride and arrogance, but sadness... I just cannot figure it out.

About a year and half ago I got a tattoo on my elbow that says ελπίζω: "I hope." When I got it, I new it meant something, but I had no idea the magnitude or the reality of those two small words. As God continues to reveal Himself to me, piece by piece, I recognize the travesty, the horror, the injustice, the sickness, the pain, the hopelessness that I have been saved from. Now please understand that I am not saying that I will not still experience all these things, because I undoubtedly will. The catch, however, is that I will not experience them for eternity. I have a hope. I have a hope that when I die, all the sufferings and plights that I experience in this world will perish in sight of the reality of Jesus Christ. Christ has saved me from hopelessness. He has saved me from meaninglessness. He has saved me from slavery to sin and imprisoned me in love and hope and eternal peace.

I will hope continually

and will praise you yet more and more.

My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,

of your deeds of salvation all the day.

-Psalm 71:14-15

I went out for coffee tonight with a friend... what a mistake. Well, the coffee was a mistake, the friend was not. It is past midnight, I have to be up in less than 6 hours, and I am truly and utterly exhausted but unable to sleep. My mind is racing with ideas, and processes, and over analyzings of conversations, both past and future.

Two main things are contributing to my quickened mental state. I encourage you to click on the links and do whatever it is that you typically do when exploring a new sight, whether it be compulsively giving tons of money or simply using the headings as a platform for prayer (or whatever else have you).

Food for the Hungry

Freedom from Quiet Time

I am particularly fond of the first because of the work that it does to provide a solution to physical hunger as well as spiritual hunger, and the second because of the insight it has given me into the way prayer and devotion were designed to work.

Enjoy.

God I don't hear you calling me, but it is so hard to stay.

O LORD, Deliver My Life

O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing;
heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O LORD— how long?
Turn, O LORD, deliver my life;
save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
For in death there is no remembrance of you;
in Sheol who will give you praise?
I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.
Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the LORD has heard the sound of my weeping.
The LORD has heard my plea;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.

Chariots of fire

A dear friend reminded me today that I have a blog... I sometimes forget. (and other times I am simply ashamed that this blog has not gone anywhere near to the direction I had initially hoped. Oh well, gotta roll with the punches, I suppose)

It is nearly two hours past when I would normally be asleep on a work night but I cannot seem to get my eyes to close and my mind to rest in peace. I can't bring myself to crack open the Scripture that is growing dusty on the bookshelf next to my bed. Is it that I cannot handle the intensity, conviction, and implication of intentional living that spills from its pages? Am I ashamed of my perpetual failure to love the Author and composer of the words? Or am I simply a fleshy being who is so caught up in my own head that to peek outside of it means being blinded by the light?

I don't understand it. I don't understand myself. I don't really understand anything. One thing I am trying fervently to understand however is prayer. What is our role in prayer, what is God's role in prayer, and what is the role of prayer in salvation and sanctification? As usual when it comes to topics such as this, I feel that if I can begin to grasp the basics of it and begin to tear down the mysterious walls and mazes in my mind, I will finally be able to love God and pursue Him wholeheartedly. I understand intellectually that this isn't actually true, but it certainly is a romantic notion isn't it?

Anyways, to get back on the original intentions of this post, I stumbled across this article (oh the wonders of google) the other day whilst trying to do a little research and I wanted to share. to get the whole article in context just click here. Enjoy.

God's royal power appears in his control of history. 'The LORD foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the LORD stand fast forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations' (Ps. 33:10,11).

The prophet Elisha prayed that God would open the eyes of his servant to see the chariots of fire that surrounded the besieging troops of Syria (2 Kgs. 6:17). Those who oppose the purposes of God are always outnumbered and overpowered. The prophet can pray with confidence to God as the Lord of history, and can proceed to capture those sent to take him captive.

The deeds of God that both invite and answer prayer are, above all, his deeds of deliverance and salvation. God hears the cry of enslaved and oppressed Israel, and declares to Moses in the desert that he has come down to deliver them and bring them to himself (Exod. 3:7,9). The exodus deliverance is God's answer to the groans of his chosen people. Yet here, too, God's answer both exceeds and precedes their prayer. Enslaved Israel is far from praying effectively for deliverance: the cry that comes to God is more the groan of affliction than the plea of faith. Moses, embittered by his own abortive attempt to champion the cause of Israel, is far from seeking God's commission to deliver them. Rather, he angers the Lord by his reluctance to accept the charge that God thrusts upon him. God promises deliverance because he would be faithful to his own promises, the promises that he made to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (Exod. 3:6,13,16).

-EP Clowney