First day of summer

Today was the very first day of my summer vacation. My car isn't even unpacked yet, but it is highly possible that it will stay half packed until I leave again in July.

I made a quick switch from perpetual business and constant hanging out with friends to a whole day of pseudo-isolation. I think I need to get into a busy routine right quick or I am going to lose my mind.

Plans for this week:

Monday- hang out with sister and brother-in-law, finish Notes from the Underground, visit a friend from high school

Tuesday- Swim 7-8, hang time with Lindsey, start Till We Have Faces, cook amazing food for my family

Well, that's about as far as my plan goes...

Life is not about conclusions

I said goodbye to a lot of friends tonight, some for the summer and some for possibly forever. In the midst of one of these goodbyes I had a bitter sweet conversation about the conclusions we come to in life. I don't mean conclusions as in the end of things, but as in the ones we decide upon in our minds. Although now that I think of it, that is the end of things. Once we have formulated a conclusion about something, that is the end of the process of discovery. Those conclusions are set in stone, not because we are too stubborn to change our opinions, (though that is possibly sometimes true) but because we stop seeking truth and fervently pursuing knowledge. We lose our sense of wonder.

Sentences have stopped making sense to me because they are just culminations of ambiguous words slapped together to make a point. God seems to become something finite that can be summed in a series of words that actually says nothing at all, instead of a perfect, holy being full of mystery and majesty, and beyond any culmination of words possible. Commandments are thrown out there by pastors and seminarians (usually following a format "If we see God as... we will ...," or, "Understanding of the Great Commission will lead to...") and the God who gave all law and commandments is overshadowed in our minds by the arbitrary conclusions we have come to. Relationships are torn apart over camps debating God's sovereignty and the end times and etc., and we forget that our knowledge of all of these things is minute and the conclusions that we draw about them are entirely unimportant when compared to the thirst for discovery and intimacy that God's perfection warrants.

That middle paragraph was a bit of a digressive rant, but the whole point is that there will be a day when all things on earth will reach a conclusion, but for now it is about the peregrination. Enjoy it.

My new friend Anne Marie posted this on her blog a few days ago and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it so here is my rendition:

Outside my window... A thunderstorm is brewing. My God supersedes the weather.

I am thinking... that in two weeks I will be leaving my home to spend time with my family. This is a strange reversal of the norm and another sign that I am growing up.

I am thankful for... My beautiful friends who never cease to amaze me, call me out of my sin, encourage me, and show God's love to me. (And I'm also really thankful for the ibuprofen that cured my headache.)

From the kitchen... today: quesadillas for lunch, Tomorrow: Indian style chicken for dinner.

I am wearing...sweats... as per the usual.

I am creating... essay questions for a final exam. Fabricating is probably the most fitting word, however.

I am going... to sleep for 2 straight weeks as soon as this semester is over.

I am reading... Total Church by Chester and Timmis

I am hoping... solely in the glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I am hearing... Brand New, thanks to Jonathan and Quinny. I love the constantly expanding musical palette of my friends.

Around the house... What house? I live in a dorm... which is a mess. I did spend an hour scrubbing the bathroom today though, and it felt quite marvelous.

One of my favorite things... Wind. and rain. that is two things, but I think that they are possibly the two coolest phenomena in the world. Air moves fast for no apparent logical reason, making leaves rustle and hair fly and water gathers up into the sky in great fluffy bunches and then falls down to the ground and makes things grow. Incredible.

A few plans for the rest of the week... finals, finals, and more finals. Hopefully there will be some cooking and joviality thrown in there somewhere.

Affirmation

It has not been very often in my life that I have truly felt that I was surrounded by people who love me and have my best interest in mind. It has also not been very often in life that I have truly even felt that there were that many people that liked me (shocking, I know). Lately though, God has truly given me the incredible gift of surrounding me with godly people who see Him in me rather than me in me.

I find that when God gives me gifts, however, I take them, give myself credit for them, and then get really upset when they are no longer there. Right now I am in the 'giving myself credit' phase of this particular gift. It is so easy for me to look at the friends I have and say, "Well why wouldn't they want to be my friend? I'm funny and smart and pretty stinking talented in oh so many ways." It's then that I remember that I'm not actually that funny, I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum of smart, and my talent really pales (to putrid shades of mustard yellow and brown) in comparison to the beauty of the world around me. Another aspect of this is how I react when I don't feel that people give me the attention and affirmation I desire. I've noticed that in a few of my relationships, (and really only a few. I am sinfully selective) I am controlled by how much the other person likes me rather than how intimately I can love them, and in loving them, lavish service upon them. Instead of loving them, however, I use them for my own gratification, thinking that my worth comes from how many praises they utter or how much time they are willing to spend with me. When my standards of approval are not met, I get angry or sad or (insert any other negative emotion here and it is probably applicable).

The only thing that is good in me is Jesus Christ. Without him I am nothing more than dust.

Tonight I was reminded in an exceptionally painful way that comparing myself to others only leads to hurt and grand feelings of inadequacy. My comfort and conviction in the midst of my insecurity was this:

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.-- Hebrews 10:19-25

How does this relate at all to the dilemma in which I found myself earlier today? Well I am glad you ask. It is easy for me to compare my talents to other's and to seek accolades for them when I am feeling down. My confidence does not come from the success I experience from or in my talents. My hope is not in flesh or any other earthly thing, but in the blood of Jesus Christ and the purification it rendered in my soul. There is no room for love when envy resides in my heart. So instead of being envious (or to use that gross word, jealous) of the gifts and talents that my brothers and sisters have, I can come to them in love and good works and encourage them. I long desperately to love my brothers and sisters in a way that edifies them, so jealousy has to go out the window. And though I know it will creep back up, right now I'm not the slightest bit sad to see it go.

A parting thought for the day: God is beautiful and perfect and has lavished more love and mercy and forgiveness on me than I can take. I often neglect to recognize His beauty and when I do, I forget to forgive others and lavish that same mercy and love on them. Revel in His beauty!

Faith my eyes

The words in this post did not pour out from my own mind, rather from one who has caused me to often stop and praise God for His perfection and grace. I have only met this man once, and it is very likely I will never see him again, but God gifted him with a mighty pen that causes me to stand in wonder. I hope this causes worship to spring forth from your lips.

Today, the heat was turned back up.

News came this afternoon that workers across five separate cities were informed that they must leave the country immediately. A new wave of persecution has hit this nation with the announcement of a second "list". The first list resulted in the expulsion of over 40 foreign brothers. The first list resulted in the traumatic closing of a local orphanage. The first list caused many national brothers to be jailed, tortured, and closely watched.

This week I have had the opportunity to come together with a group of believers to practice crafting Bible stories under the leadership of a skilled trainer. As our group has storied through the book of Acts, we have seen the amazing results of persecution in the early church. Persecution results in Spirit-filled worship and the spread of the good news of Jesus!

" 'And now, Lord, take note of their threats, and grant that Your bond-servants may speak Your word with all confidence'... And when they had prayed, the place where they had gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak the word of God with boldness." - Acts 4:29, 31

"They flogged them and ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and then released them. So they went on their way from the presence of the Council, rejoicing that they had been considered worthy to suffer shame for His name." - Acts 5:40-41

"And on that day a great persecution began against the church in Jerusalem, and they were scattered... those who had been scattered went about preaching the word." - Acts 8:1a, 4

Yet despite this knowledge, news of more persecution ties my insides up in knots. I swallow the rotten fruit of uncertainty that travels to my stomach and spreads through my entire body in an ache of distrust. I want justice. I want retribution. I want fair treatment. But God does not work for my glory, only His own. God is jealous for His glory and I am but His bond-servant.

He awoke, but to a dream. As one transcending physical boundaries to wander outside himself, he searched the room expecting to find his own sleeping body. Instead, he discovered an angel. It was a vision! Just like the rooftop weeks ago, his hairs stood as a cold sweat wrapped his body in shivers. His consciousness dulled from sleep, he did not at first understand the words spoken by this angel. "Get up!" repeated the angel kicking his side.

He knew nothing but to obey. He knew not where he was. He knew not why or when or how. He simply knew that an angel had spoken and he had no cause to contradict. As he stood, chains crashed to the floor alerting him to two men standing on either side of him. Large men, soldiers heavily armed. His sudden fright was stifled almost immediately as not a muscle even twitched on any one of the soldiers. Chains loud enough to wake the dead had no effect on these dormant combatants.

By the light of the angel, he dressed himself and followed. Passing through the door into a brightly lit stone hallway, he glanced back to see a small, dark cell guarded by a squad of sleeping soldiers inside and a squad outside. As he followed closely, the angel entered a courtyard passing two more squads of unconscious guards. At the head of the courtyard was a large iron gate opening toward them. Entering the city, day turned to night as he stumbled falling painfully to the city road. The light borne by the angel had disappeared!

The angel himself was nowhere in sight, yet the dream did not end. But had it been a dream? Consciousness was now fully functioning as he understood the truth. It was all real! The jail. The angel. The escape. Yes, the escape. He was free from not only jail, but the trial to be held in the morning. Surely he was to be sentenced to death in the very same way his good friend James had been. It was a day of rejoicing amongst the religious leaders when James received the sword. And here he was, free. Unbound in the middle of the night on the city road.

Days earlier word had reached him that brothers all over the city were gathering day and night to pray fervently. He quickly picked himself up and made for the house of the mother of John Mark. Sure enough, the lights were still on even at this late hour. He knocked on the door to the welcome of John Mark's servant girl. "Peter? Is it really you!" Before he could respond she ran off calling frantically throughout the house, "Peter is here! He is here at the door!!" Within minutes, he had told the group everything. This story spread throughout the city amongst believers and unbelievers alike. Praise for God and sharing of the good news abounded.

And as a result, "the word of the Lord continued to grow and to be multiplied."

Last week I had the privilege of meeting a brother who has suffered under this present persecution. After an initial questioning he was blindfolded and taken far from his home. This Spirit-filled brother was stripped naked and blasted with water from a fire hose. After questioning him, the authorities beat him and left him in a small cell to rethink his answers. The process was repeated for three days. In the two months since then, he has traveled throughout the country praising God to be counted worthy to suffer shame for His name.

I fear for other brothers who may endure such treatment. Two of my close friends and brothers have serious medical issues, yet they patiently persevere under the watchful eye of the religious FBI. I fear for their lives, yet just what is the cost of national spiritual awakening? What must my brothers suffer to see this people know Spirit-filled worship and the spread of the good news of Jesus? And how in the midst of it all must I pray?

I can not pray for persecution, I love my brothers too much to want to see them suffer. But knowing it is here, I can pray for God to use it to His glory for the building of His church. The believers in the early church did not pray for persecution, but when it came they scattered bearing the good news of Jesus Christ. Wherever they were, they came together with one heart and mind to worship God. And so this patterned has been followed throughout history, most recently amongst our Chinese brothers who now number 30-50 million. We do not pray for persecution, we pray that God will teach His people to take advantage of it.

For the past three years I have prayed for this nation. I have often sensed the Spirit telling me that a time is coming when the church will grow in an amazing outpouring of grace. Perhaps we are on the brink. A seesaw teetering, waiting for that catalystic ounce of weight that will turn the entire apparatus on an unalterable course. Perhaps it will be this persecution that, like Rome, Northern Europe, and America, tips the scales to a Great Awakening.

By whatever means necessary the number one priority should be Spirit-filled worship and spreading the good news of Jesus. After all, that is His number one priority. What is at stake is the glory of the one true God. What is not at stake is the health, happiness, or prosperity of any one believer or group. May God use whatever means necessary to spread His fame. And may we pray appropriately, taking advantage of these times to seek His glory.