hmm

Is it ok to cut connections with the past in order to save yourself pain and heartache?

In times of Crisis

I have been trying to articulate this all day, but there has been a major block between my brain and my fingers. A phone call from a very old friend has given me some insight into breaking this block down and praising God for His divine plan and will for my life.

I recently heard that a couple of my very good friends (including the one on the phone) will be making the journey to Haiti and spending the next few months there. I have had a nauseating pit in my stomach all day. I keep questioning why God has not opened a door for me to go, and battling against jealousy that so many people that I am so close to have had doors flung wide for them. I hate that I was finally getting to the point where I could see God's hand and plan and I was content and joyful in that, and now I have allowed it all to be ripped out from under me and I want things that do not appear to be in God's plan for right now. Old scars are being torn open and old growing pains are resurfacing. It has been so hard for me to make it through the day, and I do not foresee it being any easier tomorrow. There is so much unrest curdling in my heart and I don't know whether to push it down or let it overflow. I think that it's so easy to block out the pain and trauma that envelops the majority of the world and immerse myself in the light and momentary happiness that flows freely from every orifice of American culture. I don't want this though. I don't want to just compartmentalize all of this and focus on school, and work and friends. I feel as though that would be an injustice, and I don't want to partake in injustice. I don't think it is ok for life to just go on amidst a great tragedy, even though that is what seems to happen.

The thought that just keeps coming to mind: We are in the midst of a great spiritual war. We need to pray like we are.

Emotions.

How fickle.

How uncontrollable.

How absolutely annoying.

I realize that humanity was created with emotional responses to our surroundings for a reason. Having said this, however, I must express my absolute loathing for the constant popping up of the negative ones at the most inconvenient times. (on a totally unrelated note, I find it so interesting that the English language has a plural form of the word one, which is, by definition, singular) I don't mind feeling sad, or even being overcome with sadness, when the time is proper for me to be sad. I disdain feeling sad for any circumstance that does not actually warrant my sadness.

I feel like most other negative emotions erupt when I am carried away on fantasies that are fueled by pride and arrogance, but sadness... I just cannot figure it out.

About a year and half ago I got a tattoo on my elbow that says ελπίζω: "I hope." When I got it, I new it meant something, but I had no idea the magnitude or the reality of those two small words. As God continues to reveal Himself to me, piece by piece, I recognize the travesty, the horror, the injustice, the sickness, the pain, the hopelessness that I have been saved from. Now please understand that I am not saying that I will not still experience all these things, because I undoubtedly will. The catch, however, is that I will not experience them for eternity. I have a hope. I have a hope that when I die, all the sufferings and plights that I experience in this world will perish in sight of the reality of Jesus Christ. Christ has saved me from hopelessness. He has saved me from meaninglessness. He has saved me from slavery to sin and imprisoned me in love and hope and eternal peace.

I will hope continually

and will praise you yet more and more.

My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,

of your deeds of salvation all the day.

-Psalm 71:14-15